i've always had this stigma na at some point, for some reason, all my efforts won't be enough. that's been the case almost my entire life. whether it be school, family, friends, relationships, stuff like that. hindi ko alam kung bakit ko siya palaging naiisip. ugali ko na kasi na maging overly critical sa sarili ko dahil ayoko na mangyari na mawala ang lahat sa akin dahil lang sa kulang ang efforts ko. in the back of my mind alam ko na hindi totoo yun, pero my inner demons, the inner demons i can't seem to get rid of, always plant seeds of doubt in me.

and this time, it almost cost me my life: candy.

i always put too much pressure on myself, lalo na sa relationships ko. of course lahat naman gusto nila masaya partner nila, pero parang ako lang yung naglalagay ng masyadong pressure sa sarili ko na mapasaya siya eh. maybe it's because of my fear of losing the people that i love, maybe it's just paranoia. it wasn't my intention for it to come out that way; all i wanted was to let some things off my chest, some inner demons of mine. akala ko i can freely say it to her and be free of it forever, pero she got the wrong impression. she thought na nagiging abusado siya (which i totally disagree to), na maybe she's asking too much or something like that. that's not what i wanted to say. what i was trying to say was that sometimes, because of my inner demons, isang "what if" question ang palaging lumalabas sa isip ko: what if kung lahat ng efforts ko ay hindi pa sapat, kapos ika nga sa basketball. ganyan na ang naging stigma ko sa mga relationships ko dati eh, kasi everytime na napipilitan akong humiwalay sa mahal ko the impression comes out na i didn't do enough to make her stay. that's been the stigma for 9+ years na i've been in relationships, pero that is totally not the case with candy. i know, and i can feel, na she appreciates everything that i do, so it's only logical na hindi ko na maisip yang mga bagay na iyan. and yet, my inner demons pops back into existence. and it almost cost me my life.

dami kong issues, no?

tama din si candy when she said na i shouldn't be stuck with the past because it might affect the present and the future. i totally agree with her on that. hindi ko talaga malaman kung bakit ko pa naiisip ynag mga bagay na ganyan. i'm being too hard on myself, overly critical of myself, and i really haven't gotten rid of all my inner demons. lakas ng loob ko na magbigay ng advice sa ibang tao, eh ako tong marami pang kelangan ayusin sa pagiisip.

for all the strength i give to others, i can't even give a fraction to myself when i need it the most. and, again, it almost cost me my present life with candy. and my future life, with candy.