The Life & Times of SevenZeroFive

Reasons

2006-09-09T09:33:00.000+08:00

"Reasons"

i truly believe that there's always a reason for everything. every step we take, there's a reason behind it. every successful moment we live, there's a reason behind it. every time we fall from grace, there's a reason for it. every time our hearts get broken, there's always a reason behind it, whether it be our own doing or just plain fate. and speaking of fate and something called destiny, when we find that one person we will spend the rest of our lives with, there's definitely a reason behind it.

kami ni Candy, we've been through so much heartbreak for almost our entire lives. you name it, we've been through it. yes it hurts, but we never gave up on finding the one. maybe we didn't think it like so, but maybe all those heartbreaks were meant for us to be stronger, for whatever lies ahead of us. and, when the time came na we finally found each other, we both agreed that maybe all the pain was worth it. and, if you're reading this Candy, all that gives me more reasons...

...to wake up each and every day with a smile on my face, because i know that i make you happy.

...to look forward to each day, because you say that i make you fall in love with me every time i'm with you.

...to take bold steps that i've never taken before, because when i took one bold step, i ended up falling in love with you.

...to be more determined than ever before, because i made you a guarantee that i will never leave you and hurt you in any way.

...to look forward to the next 3 to 5 years of our lives, because i made you a guarantee that i will marry you after 3 to 5 years.

...to stay strong, because whenever i see you in your moments of weakness i feel helpless.

...not to be afraid, because i know that i can run to you in my moments of weakness.

...to think of our future, because you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your days with me.

...not to think of my past, because all that matters to me now is you.

...to be happy, because of the joy i always feel when i'm with you, and whenever i see you happy when we're together.

...to believe in love again, because after all the heartbreak i've been through i still ended up with the girl of my dreams [guess who that is ;-)]

...not to hurt you in any way, because you told me you've been waiting for me your entire life.

...to cherish our time together, because i feel like i'm in heaven whenever you're by my side.

...to live, because i can't stand a single day without seeing you or even hearing your voice.

...to love, because i have you.

...to love you, because my life just doesn't begin and end with you. my life IS you.

my paranoia almost took my life

2006-08-15T13:58:00.000+08:00

"my paranoia almost took my life"

i've always had this stigma na at some point, for some reason, all my efforts won't be enough. that's been the case almost my entire life. whether it be school, family, friends, relationships, stuff like that. hindi ko alam kung bakit ko siya palaging naiisip. ugali ko na kasi na maging overly critical sa sarili ko dahil ayoko na mangyari na mawala ang lahat sa akin dahil lang sa kulang ang efforts ko. in the back of my mind alam ko na hindi totoo yun, pero my inner demons, the inner demons i can't seem to get rid of, always plant seeds of doubt in me.

and this time, it almost cost me my life: candy.

i always put too much pressure on myself, lalo na sa relationships ko. of course lahat naman gusto nila masaya partner nila, pero parang ako lang yung naglalagay ng masyadong pressure sa sarili ko na mapasaya siya eh. maybe it's because of my fear of losing the people that i love, maybe it's just paranoia. it wasn't my intention for it to come out that way; all i wanted was to let some things off my chest, some inner demons of mine. akala ko i can freely say it to her and be free of it forever, pero she got the wrong impression. she thought na nagiging abusado siya (which i totally disagree to), na maybe she's asking too much or something like that. that's not what i wanted to say. what i was trying to say was that sometimes, because of my inner demons, isang "what if" question ang palaging lumalabas sa isip ko: what if kung lahat ng efforts ko ay hindi pa sapat, kapos ika nga sa basketball. ganyan na ang naging stigma ko sa mga relationships ko dati eh, kasi everytime na napipilitan akong humiwalay sa mahal ko the impression comes out na i didn't do enough to make her stay. that's been the stigma for 9+ years na i've been in relationships, pero that is totally not the case with candy. i know, and i can feel, na she appreciates everything that i do, so it's only logical na hindi ko na maisip yang mga bagay na iyan. and yet, my inner demons pops back into existence. and it almost cost me my life.

dami kong issues, no?

tama din si candy when she said na i shouldn't be stuck with the past because it might affect the present and the future. i totally agree with her on that. hindi ko talaga malaman kung bakit ko pa naiisip ynag mga bagay na ganyan. i'm being too hard on myself, overly critical of myself, and i really haven't gotten rid of all my inner demons. lakas ng loob ko na magbigay ng advice sa ibang tao, eh ako tong marami pang kelangan ayusin sa pagiisip.

for all the strength i give to others, i can't even give a fraction to myself when i need it the most. and, again, it almost cost me my present life with candy. and my future life, with candy.

happy birthday candy!

2006-08-10T11:16:00.000+08:00

another year has past, so much has happened, and yet you're still there standing tall and proud... you've been through so much pain & suffering, so many times you came close to giving up on life, yet you're still there standing tall & proud...

i may not be able to give you all that you desire, but rest assured that i will be, and always will be, faithful and loving to you... that's probably the easiest thing i can do, because i'm so in love with you...

i hope my love's enough to act as my gift to you on your special day, but then again, there's still one more day that remains... one day, to make our dreams come true...

i'll always be here for you, through all that stands in our way... i'll never leave you, and i hope you don't leave me either...

happy birthday, honey! love you soooooo much! :)

unnecessary evils

2006-07-28T17:23:00.000+08:00

i got a lot on my mind, and some of it aren't supposed to be there...

i thought the stress would finish once the paper was done and submitted, but i was so wrong. for some reason, almost all the work just flooded onto me. and i'm not just talking about the paper. i haven't been this stressed out in months, and to say that it stinks is a major understatement. and unfortunately, it's affecting the most important thing to me right now: my relationship with Candy.

first off, i had to juggle all the scheduling and documentations for my business. i know it's my duty to handle it being the owner/proprietor of the whole thing, but to be honest, i'm having a hard time doing it. it's not that hard, but with the time i can allot to the things that i have to do, it's really stressing me out. i have to talk to a lot of people, arrange trips, arrange accomodations, prepare documentations, and a lot more. it's really freaking me out.

second, my car. with gas prices high enough to be arrested for drug usage, it's really squeezing me tight. not to blame is the trips i've been doing, going to school to prep for my defense, going to see Candy, making trips to offices, and so on. i haven't been this strapped on cash since 2001. plus the fact that there's visible damage to it makes it worse.

third, the defense. i'm confident with what's gonna happen, it's just that the preparation for it is so tiring and frustrating. i had to make trips to school more frequently, i have to go to Jeff's place more often to practice, and sometimes i had to cancel my trips to see her just because of the time i have to spend on the defense, among other things. it's really frustrating the f*ck out of me.

i've made up my mind. soon as i graduate, i'll still take my MBA. but, i'll also find work.

it's frustrating me in the sense that i sometimes can't keep my promises to her, like going to see her whenever i can, hanging out with her, stuff like that. i really wanna spend my time with her as much as i can, and whenever i had to cancel it, sometimes on the last minute, it really pisses me off. i know that she too is pretty pissed off about it, because as i'm typing this i can sense that she's kinda mad at me for not being able to meet her in her office this afternoon. i know that it's not really that necessary for some, for me to see her almost everyday, but i'm trying to squeeze in most of my time to be with her because for a couple of weeks i may not be able to see her at all. and it really pisses the f*ck out of me.

hon, if you're reading this, i'm really sorry i'm not able to see you at times. it's just that i'm being flooded with a lot of stuff again. i'm not saying that this will be a permanent occurrence, but i really hope you understand. i mean, you're not the only one who's mad that we're not able to see each other that much. i just don't show it, but i get really frustrated when stuff like this happens.

For My Catherine

2006-07-26T01:21:00.000+08:00

Chemistry was crazy from the get go, just like the song said

But we know exactly why the energy was so widespread

Maybe then it was too early to say that we belong together

But here we are so in love thru good and bad weather

We’ve been through so much heartbreak, we thought love never existed

But we never closed our doors, in true love we persisted

We refused to give up, we never gave in

And now our tears turned into smiles, us sharing big ass grins

I guess you had me at hello, just like Jerry Maguire

‘Cause I’ve been waiting all my life for you, the woman I’ll forever admire

You came in to my life right in the nick of time

Now my days and nights are peaceful and sublime

I can’t wait for the day when you walk down that aisle

And say that you’ll stay forever, not just for a while

I might upset you at times, I might act dumb

For reasons I can’t understand, trains of thought I can’t fathom

But rest assured that I’ll respect you and treat you as my queen

I will never do you wrong, because life with you is oh so serene

Whatever problems you might encounter, adversities you may face

I will do my best to help, and comfort you with my embrace

My words may not mean much, my feelings I might find hard to express

But then again, true love never required finesse

Just know that I’ll be there for you every step of the way

I hope my smile is enough to meet you halfway

I don’t want to imagine my life without your touch

Because the world is full of misery, it’s tragic as such

You’ve given me so many reasons to live my life once more

You are my godsend, the dream I thought was impossible before

We’ll take this love and savor every second

Because this is the love we’ve always envisioned

You asked me, “Where have you been all those years?”

I guess I was just beside you, drowning in my sea of tears

But now we’ve risen from the ashes, reveling in our slice of heaven

Waltzing our way towards our secret garden

Where our fears will be no more and only our love will reign

And this, I assure you, will be the last time we’ll fall in love again

The Rebirth part 2: Declaration of Intent

2006-07-18T13:24:00.000+08:00

i never knew i could be this happy again, until i met you and fell in love with you.

i didn't see that you were the missing piece of the puzzle.

i've never been more content in my life, until now.

everytime i hold your hand,

hug you as tight as i could,

kiss you with all my might,

and say those three words i've been dying to say,

i feel complete.

what makes it so much sweeter is,

you feel just as much,

maybe even more,

about me as i do about you.

i know you felt that this is too good to be true, and in some ways i felt that too

but at this point, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

i just don't want this to end, because it scares me to death

what would happen to me if i lose you

I LOVE YOU, and i don't care if i sound like a broken record

i will say it every chance i get

our past doesn't matter anymore

because the only thing that matters now is that we have each other

i hope and pray that Eric Benet's song is right

i hope and pray, that this would be the last time we fall in love

moments like these feel like heaven for the both of us

but then again, if you ask me

my slice of heaven is, simply put,

you.

The Rebirth

2006-07-17T01:49:00.000+08:00

i don't know where to start...

when i first met you i said to myself, "wow, she's cute"... first impressions, i guess... i never knew i'll come this far and feel this deep for you... despite your self-professed imperfections i never let these bother me, because what mattered to me, and what still matters now, is the fact that i'm happy when i'm with you... i have my own imperfections, so i'm in no position to judge whatever shortcomings you have... even if i don't, and that's impossible too, i'll never knock you for whatever it is that you do...

i'm glad we both feel the same way for each other... i don't want this to end, and so do you... i can't blame you though for being scared at times with all the good stuff that's been going on... at some point we'll both be hurt, by what or who i can't tell, but know that it'll never sway my opinions on who you are to me... whatever bumps we might take, i'll be by your side through everything...

i'm just as scared, but what i'm scared of is what would happen if i lose you...

through everything you've gone through, and everything i've gone through, i know we're stronger because of those things... and as we take this one step at a time, i know we'll be closer than ever...

we've suffered through a lot of heartbreak.. we've cried oceans of tears.. we've been through so much our entire lives.. but, if all those tears & pain were meant for me to lead to you, i'd say it was worth it.. i'd rather die & be resurrected, and be living my life with you, rather than live my life another way..

i feel like asking this again... where have you been all my life?

(to be continued...)

2006-07-06T15:23:00.000+08:00

The Life & Times of SevenZeroFive presents:
"Send Me To My Afterlife... Please..."

for years i've been called a lot of things. most of it, i can't remember. but it always revolves around whatever i'm doing. take this case for example. people have been calling me stupid for months because i'm trying to rebuild what's left of my friendship with this person. what really set me off was that that person agreed with them, that i am indeed stupid for wanting it so much. i didn't mind it at first, but as the minutes passed i just became agitated and mad. is it really that stupid for someone to want his friendship back? is it really that stupid to put the past behind and start over? well, if it's stupidity, then YES I AM FUCKING STUPID.

am i cursed or something? it seems that whenever i put my heart into something it's either my efforts aren't good enough or my efforts are greatly unappreciated. my friendships are the second most important thing to me other than my family, because the fact that i don't have any brothers or sisters makes my friends the only people i could run to whenever i have something on my mind. that said, if stupidity is the end result of me being passionate in keeping my friendships alive, then YES I AM FUCKING STUPID.

funny, but it would seem that my afterlife's the only place where maybe, just maybe, all my efforts would be appreciated. so, if someone can hear me, can you please send me to my afterlife?

It's My Life @ 1915H

2006-06-29T19:16:00.000+08:00

start time: 0715pm
mood: sleepy
listening to: "Sexy Love" by Ne-Yo, "Look Who's Lonely Now" by Ricky Peterson, "Can You Stand The Rain (Acapella)" by Boyz 2 Men
end time: 0801pm

thought i'd drop by and post whatever's on my mind... after all, that's the purpose of the blog... lol

1. holy crap, i love this song! i thought "so sick" was it for ne-yo, but when i first heard "sexy love" on MTV i was like WHOA! i HAD to have it! and so I did DL it, and boy oh boy is it sooooooo smooth. on average I think i'm singing it for like 10 times. that's how much i lurve (thanks Pat & Geran for the wordage lol) that song by ne-yo!

2. i feel reborn! i got my contact lenses already, and boy it looks great! for the first time in like 10+ years i didn't need glasses to see, and now i can splurge on aviators! lol

3. years of inactivity apparently didn't take away my skill set in boxing... i tried out sparring with a trainer back at the gym, and boy was i into it! i completed every combo, stepped up and hit some solid power shots, and kept pace with the regulars there! too bad i almost suffered a heart attack after, 'cause i was hella tired and panting like a german shepard after only 2 rounds! that's not right, especially for my standards... gotta work on my stamina!

4. nice dinner lol

5. this term has to be the longest i've had in years! i got no classes for 4 days! it's great, but when you're all alone in the house and got nothing else to do, it gets really tiring...

i think that's gonna be all for tonight...

blogger's quiz, from Kei

2006-06-26T23:20:00.000+08:00

Epiphany

2006-06-20T11:05:00.000+08:00

The Life & Times of SevenZeroFive presents:
"Holy Crap, I Just Had An Epiphany!"

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (no surprise there), and I just realized that I've reverted back to what I was a couple of months back: quiet, alone, and very single (lol). Not that it's a totally bad thing though, because just the thought of not being expected to act or say something special is pretty relaxing. It takes my "no pressure" way of thinking to a whole new extreme.

Sad, or glad to say, but I feel like it's November again.

November was the gloomiest month of my life, for some reason I can't pinpoint. It just feels like everything's falling apart. I feel incomplete. It's like everything wrong in this world is happening to me. Deprived, taken advantage of, isolated, and so much more descriptions stuck in my head.

Funny thing is, i kinda feel better now than before.

Just the way that i live my life now is very consistent with my long-standing MO: no expectations, no disappointment. I'm living life the way it falls down on me, and I'm loving every second of it! I don't need to please people with how I act or how i say things, I don't need to change the way I see things just to adapt to a "situation", and I certainly don't have to be afraid of anything at all! It's great!

My epiphany is, everytime I don't feel pressured I'm having more fun than ever. So, maybe I can use that in whatever happens in the future. I mean, it's applicable to everything: school, work, family, and most especially in love. Make the out-of-the-box moves, but be sure to have fun doing it, because anything's not worth doing if you're not having fun.

Life's Questions #2

2006-06-13T11:15:00.000+08:00

(note: i kinda took a break from writing poetry, because i simply can't think of any good stuff to write about... so now i'm just answering some questions...)

Life's Questions #2: Why Should Loving Someone Be A Trying Ordeal?

last time i defined what love is in my point of view. i said it's as simple as friendship. and it is true, because love can't just be like "i'm falling in love with you" love, but it is also "i'm here to help you" love. the latter is so easy to do, but the former is very very tough. question is, why is it so tough to do?

"friendship love" is so easy because, like the wordage says, it's friendship. no special attachemnts, no special treatments. it is what it is, and everybody's happy with it. however, "relationship love" is so tough to get, and even tougher to maintain. maybe it has something to do with the attachments a couple creates. it's not necessarily the fear of committment or the fear of creating and achieving those special attachments, but rather it's the fear of losing those attachments and committments. fear probably takes over, most of the time someone spends time in a relationship. of course one is ecstatic with the situation, but in the back of one's mind the fear is there.

like the old adage says, love makes people do crazy things. however, the fear of losing love drives people crazy, period. i don't know why, but whenever someone really gets involved with someone and they develop some semblance of love, they start to change. they deviate from who they really are, maybe just to appease their partner or to show a softer, more loving (hence the situation) side of themselves. they start to do things they don't normally do, they start to say things they don't normally say, and they start to make these plans on whether the relationship works or not. everything has a plan. everything has a pre-determined action, because the fear of losing love takes over.

that's the case most of the time. but, should it be the status quo?

i mean, i know love is oh so sweet to experience and oh so painful to lose (trust me, I KNOW), but shouldn't we just enjoy the moments where we just feel loved and we feel love? my psychologist friend told me to "not take this so seriously, and just play along", and in some form he's right. love, or in most cases, falling in love, is a great thing, only if we think of it as a great thing. in some instances, thinking of love as a lifeline is not good, because by thinking that one is forced into decisions, behavior, and feelings that shouldn't even be thought of. like i said, love makes people do crazy things. but, love shouldn't drive someone crazy.

i suddenly remembered something i mentioned to my thesis professor a few months back. i told him my 2nd take of the pre-thesis defense won't be that tough anymore, because "the fear of the unknown" is already gone. i guess the same "fear of the unknown" applies when we talk about love, or falling in love. it's so hard to foresee how it'll go, or it's hard to avoid looking for foresight or any indications, that the fear of not knowing what's gonna happen makes people make pre-determined moves to ensure love's longevity. of course, the feelings (well, most of it) are heartfelt, no pre-determination there, but some actions are so pre-determined that the level of expectations on it are so high that if and should it fail, it's a huge blow to that person. the fear of the unknown takes over sometimes.

loving someone is tough because the fear of losing that love, and the fear of not knowing how life with that love will go, takes over someone's thoughts, most (if not all) of the time. it's an important thing to most, but just because it's important doesn't mean that we shouldn't enjoy it fully, no pressures or pre-determined actions whatsoever. one should let love flow like water through a stream, because the serenity of a hassle-free, no frills relationship is so rewarding.

2006-06-08T22:58:00.000+08:00

Life's Questions #1: "What Is Love?"

i revisited my thesis class a few hours ago, & they were having the freespeaking activity again. the students were asked to take a roll of paper, containing a topic, and answer the question in front of the class. the last time i did it, i got the dumbest question ever. my question was, in a fight between the Powerpuff Girls & Superman, who would win?

yeah, that was incredibly stupid.

one question stuck in my mind though. everybody tried to duck this question because they feel that they may (and eventually will) be embarassed with their answers. the question was, what is love?

sounds easy? pretty much, but everybody had an answer. including myself. i didn't get the question the first time, & the next time i had the chance, i never took the opportunity to share my answer. i don't know why, maybe i was too cautious.

i might have been cautious in the classroom, but not here.

for me, love is simply put, friendship. it is a fact that every feeling of love started with friendship. you get along with each other so well, that in time something different comes up. this feeling that you can't spend time apart starts to develop. then, everything just falls in place.

love isn't just something one feels when he or she is attracted to someone. like i said, there's still the friendship that exists regardless, because they got each other's back. they're there for each other thru all the ups and downs, thru all the stress and frustration, thru everything that stands in their way. one can never have love if friendship never exists.

i've been through a lot my entire life, and rarely did i ever had a friendship so strong with someone, a girl, that i put my entire trust to her because i knew i could run to her whenever i call. my psychologist friend told me i knew exactly what i wanted, but this is exactly what i need. i need someone in my life that can understand me for who i am, to see thru all my imperfections and to give me shelter from my storms. i need someone who's gonna be there to share my dreams & nightmares, & be there with me, not just for me, every step of the way. i long for someone who understands that i'm not perfect, that i'm not gonna be consistently nice, that i'm not gonna be able to control myself whenever i snap, and that i'll never think bad thoughts about her just because i can. i'm not perfect, but that doesn't mean i won't love her just as much.

what is love? love is more than just an emotion. it's more than just a choice. it's a bond stronger than any friendship in the world. it'll only be the best thing in this world, if it's mutual.

my bottomline is, i long for a friend who's gonna be with me for the rest of our days. i'm looking for a partner in life, not a beauty queen.

2006-06-06T10:35:00.000+08:00

My Life, @ 10:30am

man, it's been a while since i've updated this thing. got no content to post back then, so...

this early, i'm enjoying this final term of school! i mean, i'm starting to become so artistic again! i got art class, then i'm doing poetry, then i seriously thought of auditioning for Philippine Idol, and a lot more... too bad i wasn't able to go the June 3 auditions, 'cause i can't afford to miss my saturday classes... i might get dropped because of excess absences, so... i just told myself, "let them enjoy this one, 'cause next season's gonna be mine!"

speaking of poetry, man i can't believe i got so many applauses from my 3 pieces! i'll admit i wasn't that proud of all those poems, 'cause i made it out of frustration, but apparently everybody thinks otherwise! maybe i'll make one last "frustration" piece, then after that i'll shift focus and think of more positive thoughts for my works.

my psychologist friend coined it best, & everytime i remember what he said i can always hear "My Name Is Charlie" by Charlie Wilson.. i think the line was, "...go out and mingle..." he's right, i think i should go out more often, just to go and maybe hook up with a couple (well, one would be fine) of ladies.. but, and this is a J.Lo but (get it? J.Lo has a big but? yeah, it's corny), i can't go out if i don't have money! aaargh!

that's it for now, gonna get some breakfast first... or lunch, depends on the time...

the way it used to be

2006-05-29T01:22:00.000+08:00

The Way It Used To Be

i wake up from my nightmare, but then i realize
i'm living my worst fear, using my life as a disguise
the dream is over, the questions never stopped
i'm still in disbelief, my spirit continues to drop
from the place where i was living in ecstasy, where nothing could go wrong
now i'm plummetting down to my own personal hell, a place where i don't belong
my imperfections got the best of me, the reason i acted dumb
something i never meant to say, something so stupidly random
because i still can't believe that i'm losing you, that you can't go on any further
that the dream is finally over, my spirit started to wither
so many thoughts running on my mind, the pain slowly creeping to my heart
i refused to believe that it's finished, it slowly tore me apart
i just lost my composure, i didn't know why i said such things
but the damage has been done, didn't mean to hurt your feelings
i never meant everything i've said, that's the honest to god truth
but my apologies aren't enough, your anger i can't soothe
you say you can't blame me for feeling what i felt
then please try to understand the fate i have been dealt
it's tough to accept the loss of someone special
so forgive me for sounding like a scoundrel
i love you as a friend, and i don't wanna lose you completely
i'll never forgive myself if i did, my life won't be as calmly
as how it once was, when i shared a space with a friend
that fights for everything she stands for, her attitude i always commend
whatever it is i need to do, whatever it is that i need to say
i will do it without a doubt, just promise that you'll stay
and stay true to the promise, the one where we agreed
to stay friends no matter what happens, even if we don't succeed
i need you back in my life, even if you don't choose me
i just want our friendship back, the way it used to be...

2006-05-27T14:08:00.000+08:00

"Incomplete"

every morning, as i shake off my impossible dreams
as i relinquish my desires & fantasies from my bloodstreams
i return to the realization
that all those dreams are nothing but my imagination
because as it stands, as i look in my life
there's one missing piece that drives my conscience to a strife
i have so much love to give, in me there's no doubt
but i have no one to give love to, that's the one thing i'm without
i allow my mind to run my life, my imperfections to say how i feel
that's why i end up losing so much more, the pain is so unreal
some say i know what i want, i have my mind set
but there's one person missing in my life, someone i cannot forget
she's the missing piece in the puzzle
and i have no doubt what i feel is not wishful
i will lay everything on the line, even if it kills me
just to be with the girl i hold in my heart so dearly
i don't care what i have to do, what i have to say
just as long as i arrive at the day
where my life comes full circle
where my days & nights are no longer dismal
i will never, ever accept defeat
because i don't wanna be incomplete

The Dream Is Over

2006-05-25T12:26:00.000+08:00

"back to life, back to reality"

for some reason, that line always sticks in my mind whenever i remember hearing a remix of Mariah Carey's "Can I Get Your Number". it's a sample from an old song i can't remember, i think it's part of the new wave era or something.

and, for some reason, like all the songs i love, it applies to me. i'm not kidding!

i can't say that i had an out-of-body experience because it sounds REALLY bad, but in some ways that was the case. i was part of something i haven't been in for exactly or alomst 6 years. all the euphoria in the world can't compare to what i was feeling then. it was everything i prayed for, cried for, begged, pleaded, and wished for. in a lot of ways, i felt complete. i was happy. i was content with what i had. i wake up each day looking forward to another day of pure fun & sunshine.

then one night, everything started to unravel. cracks began to show. it was really driving me nuts, good thing i'm good at hiding my emotions. like i said before, i can hide them under the guise of a smiley, and no one will ever feel anything suspicious.

and then, one night, the dream was over.

as strong as i want myself to believe, i crumbled. i literally buried my face in shame & frustration. the fact was already there, but i still refused to accept it. i simply can't. see, i had this belief that if i lose ANY of my opportunities for love, it'll be the death of me. well, simply put, i died a slow and painful death that night.

forgive me if i sound bitter, but that's how much it meant to me.

i'll admit it's gonna be tough to swallow the bitter pill and accept the fate that's been given me. but, i don't really have much of a choice. i've learned that living in the past is very bad for your health, because it holds you back. i guess i'll have to let this one go. it hurts, more than anybody can imagine, but i have to. for my own sake.

that's right marc, the dream is over. once you were up in the heavens, now you're back in your own personal space in relationship hell. now the question stands: will you rise again like you did the last time, or will you cower away in fear and shame for another 6 years, maybe even longer?

the dream may be over, but the questions never stopped.

on to the next heartbreak, i guess...

starting over... lol

2006-05-20T22:05:00.000+08:00

apparently, my first blog was a "Spam Blog"... so i had to create a new one...

...and here it is...

IS SOME ONE IN LOVE WITH YOU
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Is some one in love with you right now	yes, but they are too shy to admit it
are you in love right now	yes, and been in love for a loonnnggg time...

This fun quiz by therat429 - Taken 220091 Times.